she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
