you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
