I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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