Even water is tasting like jack daniels
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
