If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
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