I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
