Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize