I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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