just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
