This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
