Umm I'm too high to move.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No subtext here. People are naked.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
