Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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