i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
