and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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