Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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