I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize