I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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