I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
