i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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