don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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