there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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