my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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