last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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