I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
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