she kept yelling 'call me bella'
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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