He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
