Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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