Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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