I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
