1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
