He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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