I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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