Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
