So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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