you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
