life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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