you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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