keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
