the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
