Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
