As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Green mimosas i think yes
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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