im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize