so that wasnt chicken after all
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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