Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
