Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize