Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
