I wish I could punch you in the face.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
