I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
