im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Help. Why am I so naked?
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