just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
