his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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