And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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