Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
