My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
