Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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