I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
