I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
