A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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